12½ things I’ve learnt in 12½ years of marriage

So, a few days ago Tessera and I celebrated our 12 ½ year anniversary. And during these years I have done things well, but also made mistakes. And it is always important to learn from your mistakes. So, in honour of our anniversary I’m going to share the 12 ½ things I’ve learnt in 12½ years of marriage.

1. Your relationship with God effects your relationship with my wife
   During my married years I’ve had periods where I haven’t worked on my relationship with God the way should have. And during those times I’m usually less patient, and quick to anger, and that’s not good for my marriage. Also marriage can be hard in general, and we all need God to help us.
   
2. To love your wife, you need to love yourself first
   I’ve had my struggles with depression and a ‘self-sabotaging’ attitude. I may write more on this topic at some point in the future, but for now I’ll just mention that when the Bible says ‘love others as you love yourself’, it says that because not only do we tend to elevate ourselves above other, we also tend to treat others badly when we don’t feel deserving of their love. Its almost as if we want to chase them away. This is more so in marriage. If you don’t care about yourself, how can you care about another. When you wish to make your life hard, the people who share that life will also suffer.
   
3. Always put your wife first
   This almost sounds contradictory to point 2, but there is a balance. But the key here is to know that there is great joy in seeing your wife happy. It shows how much you love your wife when you can put her needs above your own.
   
4. No typical marriage
   I have heard many sermons on the ‘average, typical’ man or woman. This always leads to the ‘standard’ marriage. There is this idea that men and women must have a marriage that follows a set pattern. If that works for you great. And there are truths to these stereotypical definitions. But, there are also variations. And you can’t force a standard marriage on these variations. Some men talk a lot, and the wives don’t. Then telling such a man he must work harder at listening to his wife isn’t the right answer to their communication issues. Tessera and I have a lot of these strange quirks. In the standard marriage the wife is expected to make the meals. But I love cooking, to me it’s an artform and a hobby. So Tessera lets me do most of the cooking. Tessera loves power tools. So she built our shed (with help from her dad). So remember, you are not broken if you don’t fit the stereotype. You are unique. If its not a sin, then embrace the uniqueness.
   
5. Doing things together
   Tessera and I have different interests. Tessera likes going to the gym and challenging herself. I prefer teams sports, working together to beat another group. Tessera likes to sing. I like ballroom dancing. Tessera loves adventure. I like relaxing at home. We had a period where we each did our own thing. But it’s hard building a relationship if you don’t do things together. So, sometimes we go away for a weekend, and walk in the woods, or fly to the US and rent a car, and drive across the country, or go to Israel. And sometimes we stay at home, look for a funny, feel good (mostly Disney) movie and relax. But we make sure we do things together. Me being sick means we tend to take it easy these days, but we are still planning many adventures for when I’m stronger.
   
6. Alone time
   Another contradiction? Again balance. While we have to do things together, we are still individuals. And we also need space. Being an introvert I need to be able to close myself off from everything and recharge my batteries. Tessera has similar needs. She also need room to be able to just hang with here friends. I need to go watch cricket matches with my dad. That’s just how life works. But the balance is to do things together, and when needed, to have time alone. (I will add here that to me alone time is also us in the same room, not talking, each doing their own thing)
   
7. Talking is important
   We had a period where we wouldn’t tell each other things ‘to protect the other one’. In hindsight, this is a stupid idea. Sharing your life means everything. You have to discuss the difficult things, tell each other what’s troubling you, and importantly, talk about the irritations and unfulfilled expectation. That way you can learn more about each other.
   
8. The meeting
   We have a weekly meeting. It’s a moment where we discuss our plans for the week, month and/or the year. This adds structure to your relationship. We also use it as a time to pray together. And this is when we discuss the big things. Because it’s a meeting, we also know not to get too emotional and argue, Just listen and calmly express your side of the issue. This is the moment where we can talk about out worries, big decisions, irritations and unfulfilled expectation. It’s not only solved some argument, its also saved us from arguments.
   
9. Black, white, and grey
   I am a black/white thinker. I like rules. They let you know what you can and cannot do. But in life not everything is that clear. And in marriage you have to compromise. And that’s where you learn grey.
   
10. There is a second chance
    There was a period in my marriage that I thought it was going to end badly. But Tessera and I have worked very hard. And we have given each other many second chances. And that’s a part of marriage. Forgive, and try to do better.
    
11. Importance of physical contact
    I’m not one of those “huggy” people. But in marriage intimacy is a very important ingredient. I’m not saying make out in public, but holding hands, putting my arm around her waist or shoulder shows my love for her. And can mean more than words.
    
12. Gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation
    I’ve spoken about doing things together, and physical contact. These 2 of the 5 love languages. Gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation are the other 3. All peoples have a primary language, and most have a secondary. These are the acts of love we respond to the most. But in marriage all the languages are important, even the least effective language for you. I don’t really care too much what people say about me, but its amazing how Tessera’s words touch me. If she supports me, I feel I can do anything. And while Tessera doesn’t really need gifts to feels appreciated, her face always lights up when I surprise her with flowers, chocolate or something with melted cheese.
    
13. Love and Respect
    This is only a half a point, because it’s very cliché, and I’m not going to write a lot about this, while there is a lot that can be said. All I’ll mention is love each other, and respect each other.